In many regards I am a product of modern Western culture and civilization: desensitized, overweight, overstressed… you get the picture. I am trying to make it by in a world that I feel separated from, a stranger in a strange land, surrounded by people, themes, ideas and concepts that I will never understand. I run on an older operating system, so to speak, and have found myself completely incompatible with the “latest updates.” I have felt all my life that I am a malfunctioning unit of sorts, closed to certain frequencies that most should be open to, open to certain frequencies that most remain closed to. No better or no worse than anyone else, but certainly different. Certainly at conflict with the systems in place. Certainly at odds with the powers and structures that be.

What do I mean? In short, the illusion of civilization isn’t so civilized. The hoarding and gobbling up of resources, the premise of “nationality” and the support of structures such as creed, caste, and consumerism which serve only as means of division and conflict and anxiety have no place with me. I am a citizen of the the world. I am a member of “us.” I opt out of these inane playgrounds of political preference, of brand and label, of fad and gimmick. I am not of that world, I am in conflict with it.

I could tell you about the manifold aspects of my ego, my likes and dislikes, fears, hobbies, what food and music I enjoy, the whole nine. And yes, there are many things I enjoy, many issues I have my own opinions about. But beneath (or perhaps beyond) those little quirks and aspects we so desperately identify with, I am aware that none of it is truly who “I” am. It’s part of me right now, but nothing is absolute. Everything changes. The universe is an infinite chaos generator which constantly introduces novelty when you start to become comfortable, and when that happens, we begin to ascribe new identities for ourselves, new ideas and realms of thought are introduced and presented to us, and we consciously make a choice to adapt these novelties to the ego aspect of ourselves. Is it not true? Are you 60’s kids still flower children, do you 70’s kids still wear disco pants? Do you 80’s kids still wear fingerless lace gloves, do the 90’s kids still do the “Macarena?” We consciously choose who we are at all times, and those thoughts are as changeable as our clothing.

I am the awareness behind those thoughts. I am the viewer, the observer. And so are you. Truth is, here is who I am: A great mass of energy so condensed so as to be perceivable by the senses, a stream of consciousness in a universe of consciousness, presently arranged as an amalgam of flesh and bone and blood and marrow. I am another you. You are another me. We all simply “are.” Everything else is the ego’s means of trying to discern and label the indiscernible and unknowable.

Can’t you tell I’m the life of the dinner party?

Can’t you tell it’s hard for me to write an “about me”?

“Me” is such a strange concept. My perception and consciousness may be unique, but perception and consciousness itself is universal.

I digress. Welcome to my whacked-out brain.

The purpose of this little blog is to, firstly, serve as a therapeutic medium for me to share my thoughts in a neutral, non-judgmental setting, in order for me to keep up with my thoughts and my feelings. Secondly, it’s to bring awareness to what has been dubbed “Bipolar” disorder (amongst my panic disorder and anxiety issues), and give the interested reader an “insider’s look” into the mind of someone diagnosed in such a way. Thirdly, I suppose it’s to highlight personal works and things that I find interesting, as a means of expressing myself in ways that are difficult for me to normally do in person.

– B.


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