The Blessing and Curse

In a philosophical kind of way, bipolar is a blessing as well as a curse. It’s like I embody the concept of duality. I utilize and transmute both positive and negative vibrations because I have the capacity to experience both in full measure. And while I know the observer within me is neither black, white, nor dual, but every single one of those things at once (adaptation is crucial, one cannot be defined one relative term) I likewise know that my perception is not limited to any shade of gray. Because I know that “mood” is a chemical reaction, I don’t have to be subjective to their whims unless I choose to do so. Neither mania, nor depression, or any volatile mix of the two make up Blake. Those are just the baser expressions of ego — that groaning, whining, perpetually 2 year old entity that we consider so wise, ethical, what have you. I like to think (and know quite certainly) that the ego is not our main voice, it’s just the one we’re so attuned and accustomed to, it’s the one we pander and slave to because it’s incessantly noisy and chaotic — and we give in, like a beaten and impatient parent to a screaming infant needing a bottle.

 It’s become a learning tool, looking at myself from outside myself. I guess I learned to do that when “I” need a break from “me.” I know this sounds like the ramblings of a lunatic (and it just may be), but, it’s a powerful affirmation for me. My mind’s a malfunctioning, though not quite faulty unit, capable of accepting certain frequencies that some are closed to and rejecting those which a lot of people are so open to. I run on an older operating system, and am incompatible with many of the “latest updates.” I feel like a stranger in a strange land. I’m not always in control of the dial which is both maddening and enlightening, I ride through the crests and troughs I’m taken through and try to take notes while the brain is on autopilot. Sometimes I buck against the current and try to steer the wheels, but it’s easier said than done. Nearly impossible. Pharmaceutical companies have learned how to slow the ride down for us, but not how to take us off the tracks. I suppose it would be unwise to. We’d miss an opportunity to explore how deep that proverbial rabbit hole goes.


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