A month?!

I realized it has been about a month since I posted anything here, so I wanted to try and record some life updates — because things like lists, blog posts, bulleted items et. al. bring me comfort and peace of mind for some oddball reason I’ll never understand.

The last major thing I talked about was moving. I’ve finished moving, unpacking, and am now settled in… it feels great. I told myself coming in that this would be where I get it all together: Eat better. Stay scheduled on meds. Exercise more. Study harder.

Pfft.

Truthfully, although I have a lot of reasons to be happy and although my state of mind is generally better than it has been overall lately, I have been a lot worse off in a lot of ways. The new medication has done wonders for my paranoia concerning certain “psychotic delusions” and “reality distortions” that I’ve carried with me for the past few years… I no longer feel threatened by things that were overwhelming me a matter of months ago (although the thoughts still persist, gone but not forgotten), but my anxiety has been hellish. Truly hellish. I withdrew from college for this semester to try and get on a proficient cocktail to manage my overall nervous nature… the thought of dealing with campus traffic and packed classrooms has become crippling to me. No one seems to understand why I’m this way, and it’s become a bit of a pet peeve for people to show such enthusiasm towards me completing school, as though it is genuinely simple. Less than 20% of bipolar people graduate. I don’t want to fall into that statistic, but if I don’t find that right blend of anti-psychotic, anti-anxiety neurotransmitter tweakers, I don’t know where I’ll be. I am definitely sick of feeling nervous about everything, though. It’s at the point where I fight sleep because I’m anxious about not sleeping well (despite all the ambien, weak ass medicine). How crazy is that? 

It’s hard being bipolar and being a student. It’s hard being bipolar and being in a relationship. Hell, it’s just hard being bipolar. But you know what’s harder? Knowing that people think you use that designation as an excuse for things. It isn’t an excuse. It’s an explanation. It just happens to be an explanation that isn’t good enough for a lot of folks.

On my mood tracker, despite some generalized depressing thoughts, I am fairly manic. I’m spending money like a mad man, drinking too much, am hyperly sexual, and have racing thoughts that are hard to keep up with which probably shows in this particular post. I don’t sleep worth a damn despite the meds. I have been greatly irritable with friends, family and neighbors and have had a couple of rage episodes over the past month. I’m trying to decide if I prefer this to soul-numbing depressive phase, but, truthfully, they both suck. I need a mini mental vacation. A legit one! Not one that’s chemically induced.

Well, it’s 3am. I’m gonna go watch some TV. Or go for a drive. Or something.

Right after I creepily read through some of you all’s blog posts.

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One Response to “A month?!”

  1. you are in a hard place. it will get better.

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