Me, Lately

As far as how I’ve been lately…

The meds have helped somewhat, but it’s always just a sort of… blanket, that lays above and covers the issues, but doesn’t eliminate them. And I feel that very deeply. There is a part of my mind that announces itself, letting it be known that beneath the chemically-induced decent exterior of security lies an untamed beast ready to pounce. It is difficult to feel as such.

I’ve been drinking a lot more lately. Soberness is painfulness most times, and although I don’t quite feel as though I need to be hospitalized anymore, I still feel “at odds” with the external world. I am a deeply internal person. College and certain circumstances at home have driven me to be more external than I care to be, and coming out of my shell like that leaves me feeling like a battery without charge, or grimly, like a skeleton without skin. Just bare. Uncovered. Raw.

I wish, yet I also would never wish, that the people in my life could take a walk through the darkest recesses of my psyche, so that there would be some understanding of what it is to be me. And I am painfully aware of how whiny that sounds. But it’s the truth. I am a malfunctioning unit and I don’t always function on a positive vibration, so to speak. Sometimes I pick up deafening, depressing and world-weary frequencies that most people could never tune into.

I think that’s why I blog. It helps to confront it, and it brings me some level of comfort trying to explain what it’s like. Even if I know that it’s only a window looking in, and truly no one but me has felt the damp and cold of these inner sanctums.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this way. I wish I could “tap into” that normalcy that comes… well… so normally to everyone else, to function in a modern, Western world that I don’t understand. I just want to be me, without the pressures and hounding demands that society places on us. Not all of us fit into the cookie-cutter, white fence American dream ideal, of getting the degree, getting the job, having the kids, holidays with the family… some of us are simply square pegs in a round hole world. No matter of therapy, medication, alcohol, drugs, or self-help seminars will change that.

I guess that’s me, lately.


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